@TheTweetOfGod

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

@kimtopher22

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

@ElgatoEsmio

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

@justabloodygame

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

@Pulse_NYC

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

@dexxe

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

@MohanadElshieky

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

@lazerdoov

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes