@daemonic3 Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
@TheTweetOfGod An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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@daemonic3 
@kimtopher22 Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
@ElgatoEsmio At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
@dafloydsta [job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
@justabloodygame [throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
@Pulse_NYC “You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
@dexxe These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
@MohanadElshieky You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
@katiefzack Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
@lazerdoov *wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes