An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
War & Peace
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service