if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
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A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head