if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
😂🤣😂🤣
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice