Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
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Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!