A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
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me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I can’t stop watching this.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Why do meteors always land in craters?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”