If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.