@Tmoney68 “Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
@LuvPug If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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@Tmoney68 
@TheCatWhisprer Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
@maebemarbles *holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
@DurtMcHurtt Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
@Leemanish Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
@JKNenagh I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
@zachreinert0 My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
@LlamaInaTux dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
@LaLuchaNix Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
@pruherazade Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy