He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
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I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover