Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
You Might Also Like
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I pray every night that I never become religious…
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..