You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
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I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Dear Lord..
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.