I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
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*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
At least my masseuse has my back.