Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
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Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.