It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
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Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
peeping toms
dictator is short for richard potato
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil