Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.