i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
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John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*