I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
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Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
12653.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.