Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
You Might Also Like
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars