reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
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my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
We’ve all been there…
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”