ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
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Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*