I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
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If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.