Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
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HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I think this should do it.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?