People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
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Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
every. time.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad