Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
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Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”