Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
You Might Also Like
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
We all have our pet causes.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.