4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
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Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.