Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
so i’m at the stock market right
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.