me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.