While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
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Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business