Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
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Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.