Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks