Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I beg your pardon?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.