Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice