if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Poetry is my passion
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
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