There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
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I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY