I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
You Might Also Like
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Go girl power!
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
no their not
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I’m having an out of money experience.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now