I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
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My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
c’mon!
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Cow it started Cow it’s going
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.