stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you