I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay![]()
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
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Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
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Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
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God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password