Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
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I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
WHY?!
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.