[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
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wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.