Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi