My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[eulogy]
line?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Straight people are cancelled
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.