Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
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A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
(True)
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”