*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
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Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat