this is literally a CIA plant
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Always
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.