Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
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I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.