if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
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Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?