What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Breaking news:
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.