What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
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My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.