You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.