@FSUSteve

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

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@roxyisrad

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

@noog

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

@QwertyJones3

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

@IamJackBoot

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

@Inconsteveable

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

@Brianhopecomedy

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

@TEXASVETERAN

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

@RealPrincessKim

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

@jus4golf

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!