A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
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Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
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Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.![]()
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.