A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.