Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
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I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Something Saturday.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.